"Signs from Kitchens" joke

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your
standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen... just vending
machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.