"Statistical one-liners" joke

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs? A: A high flyer.Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1-3, alpha = .05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees? A: It's referred to as the log scale.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course? A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes? A: Lack of fit.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail? A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily.The only time a pie chart is appropriate is at a baker's convention.Never show a bar chart at an AA meeting.Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another? A: Check the p-value.Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn? A: His specialty was histerectograms.The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.Some statisticians don't drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.The Lipton Company is big on statistics-especially t-tests.

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