"T-Shirt Messages I" joke

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
I love my cat. My cat does not care.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Jesus loves you, but I think you're a jerk.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.