"THE CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ................!" joke

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

> > Element: Woman
> > Symbol: Wo
> > Discoverer: Adam
> >
> > Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging
from

> > 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
> >
> > Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
> > energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
> >
> > Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
> > absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
> > unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well
used.
> > Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
> > Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural
state > > the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed
artificially so > > well that the change is indiscernable except to the
experienced eye.
> >
> > Chemical properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C
(especially in > > the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if
left alone. Will > > absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated

> > with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An
> > essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at
least

> > 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and
all

> > reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in

the

> > highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct
points. > > The reaction is highly exothermic.
> >
> > Storage: The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and
25 > > years.
> >
> > Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on
> > cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
> >
> > Tests: Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural
state. > > Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
> >
> > Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
> > Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with
great

> > care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more tha
one

> > permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
> >
> > -----------------------
> > And so for the other one:
> >
> > Subject: M E N (Chemical Analysis)
> >
> > CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
> >
> >
> > Element: Man
> > Symbol: Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root
> > used to identify the element)
> > Discoverer: Eve
> > Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in
length,
> > though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet
> > way 200+ Kg.
> > Occurance: Found following duel element Wo, often in high
> > concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental
> > evidence: any beach on any coast)
> > Physical properties: Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol)
Tends
> > to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after
> > reaction with Wo (Snore. .. zzzzz) Gains considerable
> > mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely
> > found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a
> > direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of
> > the Wo commom ore.
> > Chemical properties: All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
further
> > reaction is possible. May react with several Wo
> > isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
> > conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is
> > available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-
> > existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn
> > the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa,
> > the sex analyist) Reaction styles vary from extremely
> > slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
> > Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
> > 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
> > Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
> > free dinners for Wo...
> > Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
> > specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
> > Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man
> > interferes (sp?) with reaction to a particular Wo
> > specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct
> > conditions.> Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
> ========================================
>
> 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
> 9. A better model is always just around the corner.
> 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
> 7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
> 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
> 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
> 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
> 3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
> 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
> 1. Size does matter
>