"Things you'll never hear a southerner say" joke

Got this one from an ex-Noo Yawkah who now lives in a suburb of Los Angeles! "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex." "Duct tape won't fix that." "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." "We don't keep firearms in this house." "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?" "You can't feed that to the dog." "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe." "Wrasslin's fake." "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy." "Who's Richard Petty?" "Give me the small bag of pork rinds." "Deer heads detract from the decor." "Spittin' is such a nasty habit." "Trim the fat off that steak." "The tires on that truck are too big." "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad." "I've got it all on a floppy disk." "Unsweetened tea tastes better." "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?" "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's" "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl." "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams." "Checkmate." "She's too old to be wearing that bikini." "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?" "Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen." "I don't have a favorite college team." "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin." "Elvis who? "Baby, them jeans are too tight"
And the number one thing you will NEVER hear a southerner say:
"I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today"

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