"Thoughts to ponder" joke

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called the tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

26. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

27. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

28. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

29. If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

30. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

31. Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

32. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

33. Is a shell-less turtle homeless, or just naked?

34. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

35. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

36. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

37. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

38. Is there another word for synonym?

39. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do' practice'?

40. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

41. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

42. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking, and thereis no woman around to hear him....is he still wrong?

43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?

44. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

45. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

46. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.