"Top 20 Things You Won't" joke

Top 20 Things You Won't Hear a Programmer Saying
Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.
IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN SET heck:=frozen_over; SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs; END
So, I met this girl at a club last night...
I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is "kewl".
I finished the code two weeks ago, I'd just like a little more time to polish the documentation.
Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.
At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.
Microsoft makes all the best programs.
I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.
My girlfriend said...
Hmmm... needs more testing.
I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-'ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.
I've fixed all the bugs, added all the features you wanted, so if there's nothing else, I'm going to leave a few minutes early for my date. Or I should say dates...Mimi and Kiki are twin lingerie models.
On this project, I want to apply what I learned from The Mythical Man-Month and spend time on the requirements and design instead of just banging out code.
The hardware is fine, we should fix this in the code!
Yes, my dear, of course. I will drop everything and come to meet you right away. Who cares about all this stuff anyway? YOU are so much more important to me and I have worked enough to complete my daily 8 hours!
I wish we could do this in COBOL (or: FORTRAN)!
We've hit a bit of a problem. This task is going to take a little longer than I expected in the initial estimate. My fault.
Star Trek isn't really real. It's an abomination of social ethics.
I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.