"Top Stories of 1994, Pt. I (mildly offensive to the living)" joke

From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:
The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France, opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International Airport.
Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers and said "it's clear you want me, cupid." Clinton admits to being in the hotel room, but claims all he said was "it's the economy, stupid."
Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his "Letters to Penthouse."
Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately, President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately, Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence Thomas' porno tapes, and "In The Line of Fire" for the millionth time.
Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report finding the "top quark" - the sixth and last category of the smallest unit of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of pocket-protected Ph.D's makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.
Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is immediately renamed "Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land."
Pope John Paul II releases "On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone." Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.
The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1 squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.
A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated "equally," administrators insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.
The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroner's Report which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he "feels vindicated."
A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many small-town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own immediate family.
Women's rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.