"Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician" joke

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.

10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

2. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"