"Twas The Night...-why did I stop there?" joke

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house There were empties and butts Left around by some louse. And the best quart I'd hid By the chimney with care Had been swiped by some creep Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests Had been poured into bed (They'll wake in the morn With a God-awful head) My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my belt And only the seasick Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago Gone up to bed While visions of Redskins Danced in her head. And I in the parlor Sat all alone, I'd unplugged the cat And put out the phone.
Just then, through a window Came noise and smells Like an overturned beer truck And tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chair To see what was the matter To see what was causing The smell and the clatter.
When what to my wondering Eyes did appear But eight drunken reindeer And sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was Santa As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and downward His reindeer they came While he hiccoughed and burped And called them by name: "On Gallo! On Ripple! We ain't got all night! You, too, Manischevitz! And you, Miller lite!
"Ho Bud! Easy, Boh! Give Busch there a hand! Now now, Lowenbrau - You can go when we land! Head up for that roof - Watch out for the wall! Get going, you guys We've got a long haul!"
So up to my roof Went his reindeer and sled But my TV antenna Hit him right in the head! And then in a twinkling I heard Santa swear So hot that it melted The snow everywhere!
I could tell in a moment This guy had no class For he fell down my chimney Right smack on his sack! He was dresed all in fur From his head to his toes. Red were his eyeballs, His coat and his nose.
He had a round face And toy-filled sack His breath would have blown A freight off the track! He was chubby and plump And he tried to stand right But he couldn't fool me - He was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word But went straight to his work And missed half the stockings, The plastered old jerk! Then putting five fingers To the end of his nose He gave me the word As up the chimney he rose.
Crossing my rooftop He went at a run Not seeing what one Of his reindeer had done. He skidded, and then Fell flat on his face! His remarks after this Were a total disgrace!
Then he got in his sled And I heard Santa moan: "Why did I stop there? Bux's kids are all grown!"