"Twas The Week Before Christmas" joke

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.

The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.

The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.

Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!

When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!

Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!

I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.

Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!"
"I was going to tell you,
your tools disappeared."

"The kids, well, they flushed them,
tools, measuring sticks..."
I knew in a moment,
I was going to get sick.

More rapid than seltzer,
the water how it came!
It flowed out in gallons,
this all seemed insane.

I Splashed and Danced and Pranced while Fix'n,
I yelled "Did you grab the Comet?"
"No, Dear, thought you did!
It's over Yonder. Be careful, don't Slip-zen!"

To the edge of doorway
To the top of the wall,
Tried to flush away,
flush away, flush away all!

As water comes pouring before Iowa storms fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, like mud in your eye.

So I dialed 911,
didn't know what to do.
With a house full of water,
and screaming kids too!

Then out from the distance
our dog barked, "Roof!"
The neighbors had gathered,
they knew I had goofed!

As I drew in my head,
(I wanted to leave town,)
here came an old plumber,
up the drive with a bound.

He was dressed all in denim,
from his head to his boot,
his clothes were all covered
with ashes and soot.

A bundle of tools
he had flung on his back,
He looked like a plumber,
just opening his sack.

His "I's" sounded funny,
more like the "e" in merry.
His cheeks were like prunes,
his nose like a cherry,

A troll would look better
that was sporting a bow,
and the stain on his chin,
I swear, started to glow!

The stub of a cigar,
held tight in his teeth,
he spit at the toilet,
told me his name is Keith.

A large tattoo
encircled his body,
His pants were too big,
the crack showed. ..'twas gaudy!

He was chubby and plump,
for a plumber, it was a tough sell.
I gagged when I saw him,
but' twasn't going to tell.

A wink of his eye;
expected charges were read,
soon gave me to know,
I had much to dread.