"What A Man Means: A Translation Guide" joke

When he says: "I'm going fishing."
It really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."
When he says: "Let's take your car."
It really means: "Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of gas."
When he says: "Woman driver."
It really means: "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
When he says: "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
It really means: "As long
as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white."
When he says: "It's a guy thing."
It really means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
When he says: "Can I help with dinner?"
It really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
When he says: "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
It really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
When he says: "It would take too long to explain."
It really means: "I have no idea how it works."
When he says: "I'm getting more exercise lately."
It really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
When he says: "Good idea."
It really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest
of the day gloating."
When he says: "Have you lost weight?"
It really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill."
When he says: "My wife doesn't understand me."
It really means: "She's heard all my
stories before, and is tired of them."
When he says: "I got a lot done."
It really means: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every
picture."
When he says: "We're going to be late."
It really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac."
When he says: "Hey, I've read all the classics."
It really means: "I've been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972."
When he says: "You cook just like my mother used to."
It really means: "She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
When he says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
It really means: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
When he says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
It really means: "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
When he says: "That's interesting, dear."
It really means: "Are you still talking?"
When he says: "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
It really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
When he says: "You expect too much of me."
It really means: "You want me to stay awake."
When he says: "It's a really good movie."
It really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear."
When he says: "That's women's work."
It really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless."
When he says: "Will you marry me?"
It really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I
can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
When he says: "Go ask your mother."
It really means: "I am incapable of making a
decision."
When he says: "You know how bad my memory is."
It really means: "I remember the theme
song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday."
When he says: "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
It really means:
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
When he says: "Football is a man's game."
It really means: "Women are generally too smart
to play it."
When he says: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
It really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
When he says: "I do help around t