"What the Doctor says what he REALLY means" joke

"This should be taken care of right away."
('d planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

"We'll see."
(First I have to check my malpractice insurance.)

"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.)

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
(I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.)

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
(I haven't the faintest idea of what to do, but I'm trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is that I'm going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is that you're going to pay for it.)

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a 40% interest in the lab.)

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.)

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.)

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I can't remember your name, nor why you're here.)

"Everything seems to be normal."
(I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

"I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(I think you are crazy and I hope to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.)

"There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
(Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.)