"Words of Wisdom" joke

You'll never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairdo.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Follow your dream -- unless it's the one where you go to work in your underwear.

The one thing that separates us from the animals is that we're not afraid of vacuum cleaners.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.