"You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when" joke

You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when:
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the TV and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck to the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.