"life..." joke

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
When someone says, 'Do you want my opinion?' it is always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
The word 'listen' contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say one out of even four people is crazy. Check three friends - if they are OK, you're it.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.