2000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:

“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it. ”

Executive officer to company commander:

“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years. ”

Company commander to lieutenant:

“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the more...

That Jim Mica feller what posted that there thing 'bout the bugs on the TV sets in Atlanta was mighty sarcastic 'bout the South. I 'spect he don't know much at all 'bout this part of the country. Sure, we are different and special. That's why we done got a special Census form so that we can make the Federal Gov'ment unnerstand jus' how they need to count us. Everyone down here knows that a damyankee don't know nuthin. I'm attachin' the first part of our Census form so you kin see just how clever we really are when it comes to countin' people. I'll post the second part tomorry.
The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not more...

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2000 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2000 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2000 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2000 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2000 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2000 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM
New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes
1. How much money did you make in 2000?
2. Send it to us.

I have an earache.
2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A. D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORMNew Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes1. How much money did you make in 2000? 2. Send it to us.

Taken from a memo received at a Fortune 500 company
To: VP, Corporate Administration

From: Kim Macleod
Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 1999 1: 44 PM
To: * - Sales
Subject: FW: Subject: Y to K

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because this Y to K
problem makes no sense to me. Be that as it may, I have completed
the conversion of the corporate calendar for the year 2000, per my
understanding of the instructions. The months now read as follows:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, etc.
Please let me know if there is anything else that needs to be done in
preparation for the year 2000.