500 Jokes / Recent Jokes

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks,' Now, who is going to tell the wife?' They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.' Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.' Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says,' Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.' She hollers,' TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!' Rippington says,' O.K.'

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a more...

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital... Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! "But," his doctor said, "the insurance companies don't cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic." Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the "small" version, $6,500.00 for the "medium," and $14,000.00 for the "whopper." The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis. Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure. As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options. A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient's room, more...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. 00, and vise versa. ”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. 00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500. 00. ”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? ”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5. 00 bill and hands it to the more...

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certfiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my more...

A man walks into the bar really depressed.
The bartender asks him what his problem is.
“My dog just died and the damn vet charged me Rs 10, 500. ”
Says the bartender: “Wow, that is pretty high. What did the vet do? ”
“Not much. I took the dog in there and told him, you got to help him Doc, this is the best dog I have ever had. The vet pokes at him for a few minutes and says, ‘I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do. ’ I said ‘Come on doc, this is my best dog, there’s got to be something you can do. ’ The vet says, ‘OK, we can try one more thing. ’ He goes over to this cage and grabs this cat and brings it over to the dog and swings it around the dog’s head. The vet says, ‘sorry but he’s gone. That’ll be Rs 10, 500. ’ I said, ‘What! Rs 10, 500 to declare the dog dead? ” He says, ‘Yeah. Rs 500 for the office visit and Rs 10, 000 for the CAT scan. ”