500 Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Bathhouses are against the law. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Women may not drive in a house coat. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. Alhambra You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Baldwin Park Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." Blythe You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. Burlingame more...

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he more...

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared This isn't the price I saw!".

The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick".

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours more...

Santa saw that his friend Ram Lai was very depressed.
'What happened?' asked Santa
'Yaar, I lost Rs 800 in a bet yesterday.'
'How come?'
'Well, yesterday, the one day match between India and England was being shown live on TV I bet Rs 500 that India would win, but I lost the bet.'
'But that's only Rs 500, where did the rest go?'
'Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!'

Dr M were meeting the other Asean leaders in KL. As the Proton (Wira and Perdana) sales were not going too well, he took the opportunity to do some hard sell to these guys. Dr M:' President Suharto, how many Protons will you be able to buy?' Suh.:' 2000 is not a problem.' Dr M (very happy):' Thanks. President Ramos, how about you?' Ramos:' Deliver 5000 to Philippines next week.' Dr M:' Thanks for the support.' Sultan Bolkiah (determined not to be outdone):' Brunei roads can well afford another 10, 000 Protons. Send them over next month.' Dr M by now is very pleased that his hard sell is doing so well. Finally he turned to Goh Chok Tong. Dr M:' Mr Goh, how about you?' Goh:' I will take 500 cars, but with the special condition that they be painted in pink.' Dr M:' That is not a problem. But I wonder, why choose pink when we have so many other nice colors?' Goh:' That's because I have to find 500 suckers.'

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His names Roy. Hell get all your hens pregnant. Hes a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "Its your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! Theyre about to land!"

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1, 500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. Bathhouses are against the law. In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Women may not drive in a house coat. It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways. You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. Ice more...