Ability Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things
left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to
stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do
that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please,
let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or
naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I
could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
"All right," said God. "Adam will have the ability to more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be mine who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!" On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand
up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty." Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please." Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please... " On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam more...

(This came from The Washington Spectator.)
Politics has long been the answer to the wit's prayer.
Examples:
"Politics -the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the
other." (Oscar Ameringer)
"Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen
tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the
ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen." (Winston
Churchill)
"Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
don't want them to become politicians in the process." (John F.
Kennedy)
"Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable." (John Kenneth Galbraith)
"A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years." (Harry
S. Truman)
The quotes are excerpted from The Penguin more...

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting more...