Adult Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy and said,' I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.' Cindy said,' Okay.' The guy said,' Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?' Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said,' Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil.' The guy then said,' Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a moustache on you?' Cindy is getting a little worried, but says,' Okay.' Then the guy said,' Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man.' Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says,' Well I guess so.' Then the more...

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts,' Open the safe!'

'But this is not a real bank!' the woman replies,' It's a sperm bank.'

'Open the safe or I'll shoot!' the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified opens the safe.

'Now take one of the bottles and drink it,' he says.

'But sir, these are sperm samples!' the woman replies.

'Just drink it or I'll shoot!'

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.' Now take another bottle and drink it.'

'But sir, I just drank one!'

'Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

'Now you see, Honey,' he says,' It isn't so difficult, is it?'

It is the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Carrie.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, Carries father answers and invites him in.

'Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' her dad said.

'That's cool', says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds' why don't you two go somewhere and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'

Bobby, is not quite sure he heard correctly, so he asks Carries dad to repeat what was just said.

'Yeah', her dad says,' Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Well, this certainly made Bobby's emotions light up. Now he's REALLY looking forward to the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces more...

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.' I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.'

'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied,' Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.'

Kermit the Frog is getting sued by Miss Piggy for Sexual Harassment. She finally had enough of his greeting every time he called her on the phone: "Hi, Hoe - Kermit the Frog here..."

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy fainted!!

The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy,

"What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said Turn around!!'"