Advice Jokes / Recent Jokes
Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...
He entered in one of the Watch Shops in Manhattan and went one round all through the shop.
One of the Salesmen invited him and asked him about his requirements. He wanted one Gents Wrist Watch. The Salesman showed him one of the best choice in his shop.
Pyara was impressed by the piece and asked the price of the watch. The salesmen tole him it is $100/-. Hearing the price he recollected one of his friend`s piece of advice that in Manhattan all items are doubly charged. Taking into consideration of his friend`s advice he started negotiating.
He told the Salesman if it is for $50/- he is interested. The Salesman did not want to lose the business. He came down with the price $80/-
Again Pyara wanted the Watch for $40/-. Then the salesman told "no no I will charge you $50/- last price".
Again Pyara wanted the watch for $25/-. Hearing this the Salesmen got annoyed and told Pyara he is giving the Watch Free Of Cost.
Pyara was happy and asked the more...
Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.
"What's the matter?"
he asked of his friend, "did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"
"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
If you had purchased $1, 000. 00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron stock, you would have had $16. 50 left of the original $1, 000. With WorldCom stock, you would have had less than $5. 00 left. Then who would pay for your Social Security? But, if you had purchased $1, 000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214. 00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice for today's seniors is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A very' straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful',' thrifty' and must be a' virgin'.
With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he more...