Age Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5, 000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man more...

Thats an excellent essay for someone your age, said the English teacher.
How about for someone my Mums age, Miss?

A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of his made a match for his baby girl, and told him the future husband was only one year older than she was. The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets married, her husband will be forty," he said. "How do we have the heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?" His wife smiled and said, "You're really dumb. Our daughter is now one year old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the boy, now won't she?

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty. Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS’ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can’t go to school looking like this!) Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she goes anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly”- but says: “At least I’m clean” and goes anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes where ever she wants to. Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and more...

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob:' We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist:' Of course we do.'
Jacob:' How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:' All kinds.'
Jacob:' Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'
Pharmacist:' Definitely.'
Jacob:' How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist:' Of course.'
Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist:' Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob:' What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist:' Absolutely.'
Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist:' All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the more...

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellows absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we dont see you at services anymore?"The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "Ill tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and mustve forgotten about me, and I dont want to remind Him!"

Once Aman Was Lying On Birth Of A Train. Two Ladies Were Sitting On The Seats Under His Berth. Those Women Were Talking With
Each Other. 60 Year Old Woman-"Whats Your Age?" 70 Year Old Woman-"Iam 22 Years Old." 70 Years Old Woman-"Whats Your Age?" 60
Years Old Woman-"Just 2 Years Younger Than You." The Man Who Was Lying On The Berth Falls Down After Listening There
Talks. The Two Ladies Picked Him & Asked What Happened. The Young Man Answered I Was Practising To Be Born.