Ahead Jokes / Recent Jokes

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...
How are we going to get more...

My penis is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the
third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on
the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for more...

Here are the Top 15 excuses for if you are pulled over by a police officer for speeding, running a red light, etc.
15.) Sorry, I slipped on a banana peel...
14.) Oooohh, you're a policeman? I thought you were just another speeder! I was trying to get away so you wouldn't hit me!
13.) I'm sorry officer but Dunkin Donuts is right ahead, not here.
12.) I'm sorry officer, but I already have a date.
11.) (For Americans caught speeding in Canada...), say, "What's a kilometer?"
10.) "So THAT'S what those signs are for!"
9.) I'm sorry I was speeding officer, but I have diarrhea.
8.) If I was speeding, you were probably speeding to catch me, so how about we forget about the whole thing?
7.) Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal.
6.) I'm sorry officer. I just got breast implants, and when I wear a seatbelt, it hurts!
5.) My wife is pregnant, I'm trying to get to the hospital A.S.A.P.! (great for speeding more...

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries.. But, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race. .. you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework. .. you're a pansy. If you work too hard. .. there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough. .. you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay. .. this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay. .. you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her. .. that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you. .. it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks. .. it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet. .. it's male indifference. If you cry. .. you're a wimp. If you don't. .. you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her. .. you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you. .. she's a liberated woman. If you ask more...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they more...