Ahead Jokes / Recent Jokes

A head rolls into a bar.
It says to the guy sitting at the bar, "Hey bud, can you put me up on the bar?"
So the guy picks the head up and puts it on the bar. The head says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer with a straw in it!"
So the bartender gives the head the drink and the head drinks it down. Suddenly he grows two arms.
The head says, "Wow! This beer works magic, gimme another!"
So the bartender gives him another drink, he drinks it down and grows two legs, and he says "Holy cow! now I have a full body!! Gimme another!"
The bartender complies, he drinks it, and explodes!
The moral of the story: Quit while your ahead.

On a pirate ship in the sea the watchman says
2 enemy ships ahead captain. then the captain says
ok, go get me my red shirt.
later after the enemy ships are gone the watchman asks
why did you want me to get your red shirt captain,
and he says so then if I die you wont be able to see the blood.
So the watchman goes ok that makes sense.
Then later the watchman says 20 enemy ships ahead captain and the captain says
ok, go get me my brown pants.

One day, a teacher was in her class teaching her lesson plan.
"
Now were going to go around the class, and say what one of our parents does, spell it, and say how they could help the class."
The teacher explained.
"
Yes Suzy, go ahead."
"
My dad is a baker. B-A-K-E-R. He could help us out by making us cookies!."
"
Very good Suzy."
"
Ok, go ahead John."
"
My daddy is a doctor, D-O-C-T-O-R. If we get hurt, he can help us."
"
Very good John."
"
Go Ahead Tyrome."
"
MMMM... K. My Daddy is an electisian. E-L-C NO, NO WAIT. E-L-E-K NO I MEAN... E-L-L, I mean ummmmm."
"
That's ok, we'll come back to you Tyrome."
"
Go ahead Tony."
"
My dads a bookie. B-O-O-K-I... "
"
WOH WOH WOH, TONY, how could that help the class?
"
He'll give you ten to one odds more...

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or more...

There once was an old man aged 50, who had a lazy son aged 30. The son couldn't earn his own living, and still depended on his old father for food and clothing. The old man was very worried about him, so he took him to the fortune teller to have his fortune told. The father and son both belie the fortune teller's prediction that the father would live to 80 and the son to 62. After having found out how long they were going to live the son was very sad. His father comforted him. "Don't be so sad! You are only 30 now, and still have 32 years of good days ahead of you." "I'm not worrying about my own age. It's just your age which causes me great anxiety," the son said. Upon hearing his words, the father was deeply moved, and in tears said, "Don't worry about me so much I've got 30 years ahead of me too." "I'm not worried about your age either," said the son, "I have figured out that you'll die two years earlier than I. So whom will I depend on more...

Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was relieved of duty early and arrived home at 3AM, a few hours ahead of schedule.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, quietly crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed when his sleepy wife sat up and said, "Sweetheart, I have a horrible headache. Would you mind getting me some aspirin from the all-night drug store?"
"Sure, honey," he replied. Feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
When he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise and asked, "Hey, aren't you Office Fields?"
"Yes, I am," replied the officer.
"Then why are you wearing the Fire Chief's uniform?" the druggist asked.

Alp - One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche - One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings - Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones - There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: There are two bones of the middle ear that have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing - Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift more...