Alcohol Jokes / Recent Jokes

A-Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B-Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C-Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D-Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E-Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F-Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G-Games: Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H-Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I-Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J-Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K-Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L-Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M-Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N-Not Again!: What you scream more...

-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

-Your job is interfering with your drinking.

-Youre doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

-Career won't progress beyond the court.

-You sincerely believe alcohol to be to elusive 5th food group.

-Two hands and just one mouth - becoming a huge problem.

-You can focus better with one eye closed.

-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

-You fall off the floor...

-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner!

- At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is. .. uh. ..".

-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm

- Roseanne looks good.

- That damn pink elephant followed you home again.

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3. 2% alcohol. Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. You may not drive a black car on Sundays. It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. It is illegal for a man to kiss a more...

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger - forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor more...

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***You lose arguments with inanimate objects.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.Your job is interfering with your drinking.Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.Every woman you see has an exact twin.You fall off the floor.Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger - forget dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth.Bill Clinton starts to make sense.Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in."Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store."BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly more...

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home more...