Alcohol Jokes / Recent Jokes

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous-of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another more...

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes more...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead more...

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G. K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who more...

In the US, if you have alcohol that you're not going to drink and sell it to a friend just to get rid of it, that is a punishable crime by law for selling alcohol without a license.

In some countries, the punishment for driving under the influence (DUI) is death, but in Uraguay drinking and driving is a legal excuse for having an accident while driving.

People who drink alcohol in moderation tend to be healthier and live longer than those who either abstain or abuse alcohol.

If you don't drink alcohol, you raise the risk of heart disease, but many of the health benefits of alcohol are lost if you don't drink it regularly.

Only 30% of Americans believe that moderate drinking is part of a healthy lifestyle and balance life, even though they know medical reports show otherwise.

Contrary to common misperception, alcohol does not destroy brain cells. In fact, the moderate consumption of alcohol is often associated with improved more...

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth. .. now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. The whole bar says' Hi' when you come in." Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store." BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger - forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking more...