Alcohol Jokes / Recent Jokes
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an Idiot.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol more...
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili more...
Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
The first of the semi-legendary "I Am Drugs" shorts created for my short lived sketch group The Decline and Fall Of Saturday Night. Jeff Dickinson is the perfect spokesman for capital "A" Alcohol, which you can see above. Other drug PSA's include Weed (Dave Baldwin), Heroin (Diane O'Debra), PCP (Matt Preskenis), and Dimethyltryptamine-42 (Sean Crespo). The shorts uploaded here are the versions currently airing on FUSE network's show "Munchies," minus the music we were originally using, R.E.M.'s I Am Superman. Directed/Edited by Alan Harris. Written by Sean Crespo/Matt Preskenis. a DRINK AT WORK production
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil! ”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister? ”
“My Mother Superior told me so. ”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right? ”
“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?! ”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know. ”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the more...
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous-of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John more...
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3. 2% alcohol. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. Colorado Springs It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. Crippe Creek It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. Denver The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. You may not drive a black car on Sundays. Durango It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on more...