Alcohol Jokes / Recent Jokes

AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DRUG 17 pot 25 pot & alcohol 35 alcohol 48 power 66 scotch, a limousine, the company jet DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "I didn't bump into her kids." 48 "She didn't set back my therapy." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FEMALE PART 17 "All" 25 "Breasts" 35 "Breasts" 48 "Breasts" 66 "Small butt in a thong" FAVORITE ACT 17 "Anything we can get" 25 "Missionary" 35 "Oral" 48 "Oral" 66 "Oral" FAVORITE PLACE 17 "Any place" 25 "His bedroom" 35 "Any place her kids aren't" 48 more...

Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List Hiring Practices
Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files" is Not Real
Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense)
Why Pork Chops Are Shaped Like South America Dept.
Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.)
Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms
Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Monster Trucks, Body Piercing and Jerry Springer
Department of Annexation: Because those darned Canadians can't hold out forever.
Department of Empty Public Gestures
Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv.
Federal Mime Protection Program
Department of Internet Security and Censo... **NO CARRIER**
and my favourite unknown government department:
Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propagation Of Long Acronyms (CRAPOLA)

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most more...

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine

Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. Oscar more...

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly-sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your more...

The two U. S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

My sister said that i was an alcoholic. Thats when i had to explain to her the difference between myself and an alcoholic.
An alcoholic is somebody who abuses alcohol. I love this stuff to much to do that