Alcohol Jokes / Recent Jokes
Well now, you see it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain. The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?
Why did god invent alcohol? - So fat women can get laid too.
THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your more...
THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.8. WARNING: consumption of more...
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk
3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish
5. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning
6. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants
7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
8. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead
9. Consumption of more...
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."
Obsession is the Name "These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry. Dejected, he turned and walked away.The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, Can't let you in sir. While more...