Alice Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Can you help me? asked Alice."No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her more...

"Be what you would seem to be" -- or if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."

- the Duchess' advice to Alice in chapter 9 of
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

TEACHER: Alice, go to the map and find Australia
ALiCE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Now, class, who found Australia?
CLASS: Alice!

Alice and Monica were having a rare heart-to-heart talk.

"What do you consider your worst vice," Alice asked.

"I don't like to admit it," Monica said, "but my worst vice is vanity.

Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Alice. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me. One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset? Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole! Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible! Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O." "Whyd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk. "Cause Ah cant write," replied the girl. "Why dont you sign with an X?" asked the man. "Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster more...