Alive Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?
A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive? A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don`t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don`t bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don`t bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," Banta replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient`s finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. .. "Dead men do bleed!!"

Scarlett Johansson has been named "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire Magazine.
The 21-year-old actress is lauded for her hourglass figure, but she asks, "What about my brain?"
To which a reporter responded curiously, "Does your brain have nipples?"

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: more...

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan. Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Question8. Q: more...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.