Alive Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this more...
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning... and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, more...
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, “What do you attribute to your good health? ” The old timer said, “I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains. ” The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died? ” The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead? ” The doctor said, ”You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he? ” The old timer said, “He’s 100 yrs old and in fact he hunted turkey with me this morning and that’s why he’s still alive.. he’s a turkey hunter. ” The doctor said, “Well that’s great but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad…how old was he when he died? ” The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead? ” The doctor more...
Spring came along, and the Hill family decided to clean their house. After a hard Saturday's work, they became tired, and decided to take a nap. So they all stretched out on the living room floor and fell asleep. Just then, their next door neighbor, Mr. Brown, came by to borrow a cup of sugar. He noticed the Hills stretched out on the floor and thought that they had died. Mr. Brown ran home, got his accordion, returned, and began playing a song out of respect for the "dead." At the sound of the accordion, the Hills woke up and stared with amazement at Mr. Brown, who was now running down the block, shouting and jumping for joy. "What on earth are you yelling about?" Mrs. Brown called from her kitchen window. Mr. Brown called back, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"