Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,
"What's that" says the Texan
"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government" Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big".
Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
"Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?
"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby " it took almost 4 years to build".
"Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time"
They continue on the way, the cabby a little more...

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,"What's that" says the Texan"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government" Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big".Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan.They continue along and past First Canadian Place."Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby " it took almost 4 years to build"."Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time"They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN more...

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I more...

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black more...

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"How you look so glum?"
"This week nothing!"