Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."How could two people as beautiful you... have such an uglybaby?"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you."As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're nothere to ruin it for me."As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."Someday I hope to get married... but not to you."You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"When we were together, you always said you'd more...

This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, “Why are you eating grass? ”
“We don’t have no money for food, ” the first man replied.
“Then you must come with me to my house, ” insisted the lawyer.
“But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here, ” said the man.
“Bring them along! ” replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, “I got a wife and six kids! ”
“Bring them as well! ”, the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you. ”
The lawyer replied, “I’m most happy to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall. ”

Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by more...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly
baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never
believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not
here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like more...

It was almost midnight and the attractive, well-stacked woman had been standing at the bus stop for over half an hour, obviously several Martinis past her limit, when up drove a personable-appearing chap with an offer of transportation home.
Sliding into the seat beside him, the inebriated miss managed to mumble her address, then slumped drowsily against the fellow's shoulder. Responding to the opportunity, the driver wrapped his free arm around his pretty passenger and pressed her closer to him, proceeding with as personal an appraisal of the terrain as possible without taking his eyes off the road, or his other hand off the wheel.
At first she seemed oblivious to what was going on, but then she came to life, exclaiming, "Man, you're passionate!"
Quite naturally flattered by this apparent reference to his romantic technique, he attempted to take further liberties and was promptly greeted with a stinging slap across the face.
Stopping the car abruptly, he more...