Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you`re you`re finished with, you will need it instantly.

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.

When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you`re dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous more...

My penis was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn`t want a bigger penis than himself.

How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didnt take it far enough into the woods.

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped"
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

Hi y'all... muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was more...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing more...

Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing' facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as' you don't love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no more...