Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

"How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?"
"I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As you grow older Mom, I think of all the things you've given me...
Like the need for therapy... "
"Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you."
"While we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, it's time to keep your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father is?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."
"You look wonderful for your age...
Almost lifelike."
"Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking?"
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having more...

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one more...

A man was reading the morning newspaper when an ad caught his eye. The ad clearly announced, "Porche For Sale. New! $500!". The man thought it was very unusual to sell a Porche for $500 and figured it was probably a joke, but thought he'd check it out anyhow.
He went to the house of the woman who was selling the Porche and she led him into the garage. Much to his surprise, inside the garage was an almost brand new Porche.
"Wow! "Would it be all right if I take it for a test drive?" he asked, feeling sure that there must be something terribly wrong with the car.
"Sure," the woman said. Unlike what he expected, the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to her house, he asked, "Why are you selling this great car for only $500?"
The woman laughed and replied, "Well, my husband just ran off with his receptionist and he told me I could have the house and the furniture, but I was to sell his Porche and send him the more...

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so more...

Once there was this guy named Bill, and his favorite sport was driving around in his truck hitting lawyers. One day as Bill was out running over lawyers and having tons of fun, he saw a priest hitchhikingon the side of the road.
Mistaking him for a lawyer, Bill almost hit him, but swerved away at the last second. Feeling terrible, Bill offered to give the priest a ride.

So Bill and the priest are driving along, neither of them saying much, when Bill saw a lawyer walking along. He immediately recognized him by the trail of slime he left in his wake. Getting all excited, Bill sped up in hot pursuit of the lawyer. At the very last second, Bill remembered the priest sitting in his truck with him, and he swerved out of the way. Relieved to have missed the lawyer, Bill turned to the priest. "Father, I almost hit a lawyer!" Bill cried.

"Oh dont worry sonny" the priest replied. "I got him with my door."

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.

HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the more...