Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on more...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?""Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

HERS:
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1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
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1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the more...

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------–
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
--------------------------–
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------–
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------–
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set more...

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,' 'I had an affair with a woman - almost.'' The priest says,' 'What do you mean,' almost'?'' The man says,' 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.''

The priest replies,' 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'' The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says,' 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'' The man replied,' 'Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!''

10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is
probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing
that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the
room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our
nose hair.
Better for them, better for us. Still, it`s annoying
that women spend more time and money trying to
understand the minds of cats than they do wondering
about what makes men tick. Which is why they`ll
never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most
expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in
cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore
drilling equipment is well-documented.
As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like
"professional"or "industrial strength", because inside
every man is the germ of every profession he more...