Alone Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day to men were alone in a small island.
One man saw a green colour bottle floating on the sea. He bent and took it and he opened it and and a genie poped out. Then genie said the two men i will give you both i wish.
The first man asked i wont to go home. The genie said ok here you go.
The second man said, I cant stay alone in the this island, i wont him back
The genie said ok. here he comes.

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A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking,
But a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely
BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Three FASTEST means of Communication:
Tele-Phone
Tele-Vision
Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters
not their friends.

A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best
wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC

What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

Let us be generous like this:
Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT more...

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

A man appears before the Pearly Gates
"
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
, asks St. Peter.
"
Well I can think of one thing,"
the man offers.
"
Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they woundn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed of the group. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, Leave her alone now or you'll have to answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. He asked, "
When did all this happen?"
To which the man replied, "
A couple of minutes ago"

The dilapidated wife
There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.
"What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing."
"Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea."
"Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like..."
"Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you more...

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be more...

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your more...