Alone Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.St. Paul, MNThe hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut."I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."The man ran. Ryan called 911.Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your
legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world,
you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits
that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in
Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have
"a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects
millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to
examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a
well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your)
nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from
hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still,
rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and
overexertion... all things you may encounter this time more...
The following is a true story. . .
An anonymous girl, lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her but off desining computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. she was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it.
Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started playing more...
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Wheres George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone."Hes about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there cause I figured aint nobody bout to steal him."
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40, 000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40, 000 to be more...
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required." Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came." Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call." So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!""Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out." So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and more...
On the night before Christmas, alone in my house,
My computer went down with the click of the mouse
I sat and I waited and sighed with dispair,
I wiggled and pouted, alone in my chair
The AO-Hell people were all snug in their beds,
While Christmas bonus pay checks danced in their heads.
Then out on the roof I heard such a clatter,
I arose from my chair to see what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But Santa himself and an Elf standing near
The Elf's Aol knowledge glowed, with experience so rare,
He rebooted my system with finesse and a flair.
More rapid than eagles my programs they came,
As he cursed and he muttered and called them by name.
On Start Up! On quicken! On explorer and delete!
On chatting! On Yahoo! On e-mail and complete!
His eyes were glassed over, his fingers nibble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of HIS more...