Already Jokes / Recent Jokes
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he more...
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one."Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable."Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does."Two days," he tells his boss.She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she more...
If Microsoft was jewish. .. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt". "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels". Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!". When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis". Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!". Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right more...
The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."
DETROIT-With third-quarter salessluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motorsunveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulousprizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will comestandard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been soexciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contestto boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Ora year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially beginuntil Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, withfeedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it-I could be a big winner!'" more...
A recent survey in America showed that Only 50% of the Teenagers Live with their Parents. What about the Other 50%.?? ?
They are Already Parents.!
Q. How do you Scare a Man? A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving. Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women? A. Exchange him. Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack. Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts. Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. How do you get a man to exercise? A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know. It's never happened. Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A. Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions. Q. What is a man's idea of safe sex? A. A padded headboard. more...