Always Jokes / Recent Jokes
Some soul-searching showbiz questions
By Timothy M. Gray
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - There are eternal questions that may never be answered: What is reality? What is the meaning of life? Why was I born? When was the last time Lauren Bacall went to a supermarket? What kind of people would allow their marriage ceremony to be performed on Live With Regis & Kathie Lee? We'll wait a moment while you ponder those questions.
I know, the fifth one was the hardest. Then are you ready for some more? OK, get out a clean sheet of paper and a No. 2 pencil, and answer the following.
Since A Streetcar Named Desire, The Moon Is Blue, Lady in a Cage and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? were once considered shocking and scandalous, does that mean American Movie Classics may one day be airing Showgirls and Natural Born Killers?
If the writers and director of the Oscarcast can win an Emmy for their work, what can the writers and director of the Emmys win?
Sometimes, when you're really more...
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. more...
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.She will always agree with every decision you make.She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"God replied, "An arm and a leg."Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"The rest is history...
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to more...
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
WORDS OF THE WISE
1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
2. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
3. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they ticked me off.
4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
5. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner
8. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The NewYork Times, 1960
9. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. - unknown NOW member
10. more...