America Jokes / Recent Jokes

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning more...

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165, 000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25, 000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25, 000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, more...

How was America named? When Columbus was sailing to America, there was a Chinese guy on the very top of the ship. The Chinese guy spots a land and doesn`t know what it is. He points at the land and saids "Ah meh lay gah."

Time Limit: 3 weeks
Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?
History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions
-OR-
Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
Religion: What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (circle only one)
Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)
Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
European History: Six kings of England have more...

Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to: A. build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) A. Jewish (B) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America's far north called? A.Westerners (b)Southerners (C)NORTHERNERS
9.) Spell - CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) more...

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature,
law and social conditions
-OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
only one answer)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
0. 0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is
on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given?
(approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north
called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- more...

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation.