Amount Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands more...
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which more...
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which more...
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep more...
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I promise." "I'm not really married." "It's only a cold sore." "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important." "This won't hurt, I promise." "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always be together." A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Don't do it if you can't keep more...
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, more...