Amp Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn`t laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So more...

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
3. All your fans leave by 9: 30 p. m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett more...

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I`m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT & T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT & T: Hello, this is AT & T....
Me: Is this AT & T?
AT & T: Yes, this is AT & T....
Me: This is AT & T?
AT & T: Yes. This is AT & T....
Me: Is this AT & T?
AT & T: YES! This is AT & T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT & T: This is AT & T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: more...

Letter from a Guitarist to the "Dear Abby" help column in a newspaper.

Dear Abby
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot.
I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.
I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.
He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she more...