Amp Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can`t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We`ve been more...

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.

2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage: It`s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either".

6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power...

9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference more...

Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building. Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar`s flat closed from outside and had a note which read: ` How did you enjoy your dinner? `
Not to be outdone, Avtar wrote under it, ` Sorry, I could not make it. `

The Story....
A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....

but the gal `s name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy

grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20? s, achievement in
itself!!.

He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a

software where he could search for his gf through the web..

Things went as planned...

n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years!!

It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a
word with this guy n took over this application,
This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first year,
which we today know as ORKUT.
The guy `s name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN. Yes its named after him only. Today he is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He is expected to b the richest person by 2009.
ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants more...

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It`ll be back.

AT & T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT & T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we`re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer`s involvement in other computer`s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The more...

Queen Elizabeth, Bush & Musharraf died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes,
then she asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Bush was soo jealous, he starts screaming,
"My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes,
then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Musharraf was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Pakistan too,
I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody of more...

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
* Forgetting strap $10
* Changing strings after every set $15
* Using electric tuner $15
* Setting up mic "just in case" $75
* Forgetting to turn amp on $40
* Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
* Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
* Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
* Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
* Skull decals on bass $150
* Bringing fretless bass $500