Analysis Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference."
A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... more...
Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."
Customer: "Ive been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but theres a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. Thats why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Dont get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
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Element: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53. 6 kg, but known to vary between 40 &
200 kg
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no know
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when
saturated in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to more...
Chemical analysis of human elementsElement name: WOMAN.Symbol: WO.Atomic weight: `Don`t even go there`.Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turnsslightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.Element: MAN.Symbol: XY.Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.Chemical more...