Anybody Jokes / Recent Jokes
See how many of these you hear this year!
Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations My God, Aint Sally, don't use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!
Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?
I'd just love for all y'all to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but I'm afraid there ain't room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.
Well, I got it at Sears. If it don't fit, I'm sure they'll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just di'n't realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.
What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didn't anybody git me any white socks?
I don't EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just don't know why anybody would! Skeeter's allergic to olives, ain't you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!
Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonne's. Miz Marshall down more...
An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
Almost immediately all the men stood up.
"Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
Almost immediately all the women stood up.
"Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Almost immediately, half the women stood up.
"NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Immediately all the Nuns stood up...
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly
overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him
this test to discern the truth.
THE ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
1. Straighten it.
2. Ignore it.
3. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It
depends." in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS - Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, more...
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and NobodyThis is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybodyand Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody wassure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, butNobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobodyrealized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbodyblamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Scott goes hiking on his own to commune with nature. He gets too close to the edge of a cliff, slips, and finds himself hanging by his hands from the branch of a little tree growing about 10 feet down from the top and 100 feet above a sheer drop to the rocks below. Yelling for help being of no avail, Scott sees his life passing before his eyes, and finally, in desperation, calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody up there?"
A great voice booms out, "Yes, Scott, I am here."
"Who are you?"
"It's me, your God."
"Help me," calls Scott.
"I'll help you. Let go of the tree."
"What?"
"Trust in me. Let go of the tree and I will help you."
Scott thinks for a minute, then calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody else up there?"
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear, he assessed his situation.
He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep yet serene voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Please help me then!"
"Let yourself go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let yourself go. I will catch you."
"Uh... more...
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"