Apartment Jokes / Recent Jokes

Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive
young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her
apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on
the bed and said,"Do you know what I want?" Gomer, looking confused, said
"No." The lady then removed her clothes. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer
shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. "Now do you know what
I want?" Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she
could, her heels touching each side of the bed. "NOW, do you know what I
want?" "Yes, ma'am," Gomer replied, "You're tired, you want to take a nap, and
you want the whole bed to yourself."

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend`s, cousin`s, sister`s, ex-best friend`s, father-in-law`s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee`s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don`t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly more...

Quick Thinking
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they more...

3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, "Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone."
The second man says, "I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A guy comes, and steps on my fingers for no reason. I didn't want to fall, so I held on. But he took a hammer and smashed my fingers. Then I landed on bushes, so I was alive still. A refrigerator came out of nowhere and killed me."
The third man says, "How would you more...

The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women
(i. e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this
are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things more...

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning,
she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife
the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he
stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he
still is there with them!
Conclusion: Men are better friends! !!!

A plumber promised old Miss Johnson he would be at her apartment by 11am the next day. When he had not arrived at 11:15 she locked up her apartment and went about her shopping.
The plumber arrived at 11:30 and knocked on the door. Although Miss Johnson was gone, her parrot called out, "Who is it?" and the plumber said, "It's the plumber." When noone came to the door the plumber knocked again. Again the parrot called out, "Who is it?" Thinking Miss Johnson may be hard of hearing the plumber raised his voice and shouted, "It's the plumber!" This routine continued for some time.
Eventually Miss Johnson returned to her apartment with her bag of groceries and found the plumber dead at her door. As she unlocked the door and let herself into the apartment she exclaimed, "Now I wonder who that is?!" to which the bird promptly replied, "It's the *#@ PLUMBER!!!"