Apartment Jokes / Recent Jokes

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred more...

Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of more...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the nightwith her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for more...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven`s getting pretty close to full today, and I`ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what`s your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I`ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn`t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn`t you know it, he wouldn`t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn`t stand more...

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

' I'm fine,' Angus said.' But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

' Well, ma laddie,' says his mother,' I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

' Oh,' says Angus,' I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend`s, cousin`s, sister`s, ex-best friend`s, father-in-law`s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted. 2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper. a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee`s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this 3. Don`t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula). 4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in more...

A businessman met a gorgeous girl and offered her $500 to spend the night with him, which she accepted. Before leaving the following morning, he told her that he didn't have any cash with him, but would have his secretary make out a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent For Apartment".
On his way to the office he began to regret what he had done, realizing that the entire event was not worth the price. Instead of the promised $500, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed is a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because, when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
It had never been occupied;
That there was plenty of heat;
That it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, last night I discovered that it had been previously occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too more...